I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
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(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh