Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
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“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom