Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
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Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
fourth time’s the charm
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
Actually cracking up @ this
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”