Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
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Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
you have three unread messages
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.