I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
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I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about