fair
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I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
I’m dying louder than usual today.
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]