I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
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Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.