We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
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Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.