I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
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If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
✌🏽
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk