When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
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Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.