Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
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Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
tinder is all about the long game
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.