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The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
No, YOUR illiterate.
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
Human are so complicated
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.