My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
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There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM