*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
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Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
This is why I hate group projects
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.