I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
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TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive