Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
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what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein