[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
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If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??