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You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
We’re all getting idioter.
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes