online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
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Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
Sign of the day..
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.