After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
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When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
what?
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.