Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
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It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get