Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
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How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
The big book of baby names but for safe words
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.