In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
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Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.