SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
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My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
My boss called in sick of me
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.