“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
You Might Also Like
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
This took me a second..
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?