Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
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R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.