Thank Satan it’s Monday.
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Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
Match dot com, but for socks.
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.