Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
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*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
beware of dog
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.