There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
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Check out the legs on this baby
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?