Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
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Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
Fidel Castro was alive?
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.