My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
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watergate? u mean a dam??
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator