[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
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It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
also my go-to takeaway order
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.