IT’S-A ME,
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i love modern commerce
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
wtf is a larm clock?
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.