[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
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I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*