ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
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[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
had to make it
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
The sacred texts.
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
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God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker