Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
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How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
FRED: right
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.