going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
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Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
not seeing the problem
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
This 4th of July, please remember…
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.