replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
You Might Also Like
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
real