I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
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Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
Woke up against my better judgement again
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”