If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
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I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
Terribly Tuesday.
Not messing around
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.