I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
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Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
my first day as a raccoon
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”