My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
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I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.