singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
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I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
Only a mother’s love …
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic