You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
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Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
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[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.