I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
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My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay