[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
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“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.