Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
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baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
My dad teaching me to drive
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall