My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
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My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram