NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
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Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
Rooting for the overdog
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?