Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
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To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
me adding lol on a serious message
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
A sick whale is called an unwhale
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
work smarter, not harder
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.